The Past is Calling

“A rolling stone,” my father used to tell me, “gathers no moss.”

Is that a good thing, or a bad thing, I often wondered.  It certainly defined his life, and seems to have become a fair portrait of my own.

“Never look back!”  was another favoured expression.  This is harder to do; especially when the past comes calling.
th-13Over the last couple of weeks, I have encountered several people from my past.  Ashamed to say, I find this unsettling for a number or reasons, the least of which is the fact that my life is currently at a total standstill:  surely, they expected, as I did, that I would amount to more.

I also worry about whether or not I am the same person they once knew – and if my former self had any redeeming qualities, or am I going to have defend previous (continuing) idiosyncrasies; and justify abandonment (perceived or otherwise)?
th-9 “It’s not like you weren’t easy to find, had they wanted to,” my husband points out.

It’s true.  I am on Facebook, Twitter, and have a blog!  So, why now?  What possible value can revisiting the past have?  Okay, admittedly, I do it every day – in my own mind – but that’s different – it is introspective and highly subjective – and it’s okay if I tear me down.

Do I want to subject myself to objective input?  Am I strong enough for that?  Don’t people fall out of our lives for a reason?  Could there be a purpose for re-uniting?  Is it even possible?
th-4If I sound paranoid or a little defensive, it is only a reflection of insecurity.  I learned a lot about people when I fell ill.  The same happened when I got divorced:  relationships disappeared.  I have spent a lot of time, in isolation, pondering the meaning of all that.
th-10I do have friendships that have endured through it all, and I treasure those deeply.   Maybe this sudden insurgence of past connections isn’t as threatening as my vulnerability suggests.  There is a certain synchronicity to it, after all.  Could I have left something behind worth reclaiming?  Are these renewed acquaintances helping me rediscover what was lost?
th-5I guess only time will tell.

 

 

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Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

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