I Believe…Sort of…

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“No matter what your religious affiliation, your relationship with God the Father, is directly representative of your relationship to small ‘f’ father.”

Although I am paraphrasing here, the words from Joan Borysenko rang true. The workshop was entitled “The Heart of the Healer”. Borysenko was challenging us to examine our beliefs.

My father was intolerant, boastful, eccentric, and an alcoholic. While he preached compassion and acceptance, he seldom practiced it. His declarations of love usually spewed from whiskey-scented breath while his hands held me in a death grip.

I loved, but could not trust my father. I respected aspects of him: his intelligence, his strength, and his command of the written word.

In church on Sundays, every mention of He, especially the ones that insisted I had sinned, just felt like more punishment that I had no hope of reconciling. Of course, it’s more complicated than that.

I struggle with faith and what I believe. It’s not that life hasn’t provided me with enough miracles to believe that a higher power exists, nor that I am closed to such a possibility. It’s just that in the depth of my suffering, I still believe that illness is punishment, and that forgiveness is doled out only to the worthy.

Silly, I know. I’m a rational, intelligent, individual – all of which have nothing to do, it seems, with beliefs.

Guess, I’m still a work in process.

Thank you to all who shared their perspectives on belief this week. We are an enlightening bunch.

Reena Saxena
Proscenium
A MULTITUDE OF MUSINGS
Stuff and what if…
Word-Whelmed Woman
one letter UP
Sgeoil
AWISEWOMANSJOURNEY
parallax

A note about upcoming challenges:

As some of you may know, I’ve been struggling with health issues. At the same time, my husband is awaiting a phone call for major surgery. I have set posts to release on the days ahead, but cannot guarantee my presence.

I will resume the challenge when life settles. Thanks for your understanding.


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Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

30 thoughts on “I Believe…Sort of…”

  7. Prayers continue for you and Ric–and hope and strength to sustain you both as you sail uncertain waters. You are not alone–the Heavenly Father is indeed right there with you. Regarding your post, it is very common/familiar that our image of that Father is shaped and colored by our earthly dads, and for many of us, early negative “church” experience/teaching. Although it was quite late in my life, I’m grateful for the “radical grace” teaching of pastors I was introduced to online–it changed my life completely to see that God was not at all how I’d viewed Him for decades. I was more than ready for the God of love–unconditional and unfailing, everlasting LOVE; and that illness, whether physical or mental/emotional was not punishment or the consequences of anything I’d done or not done. Illness doesn’t come from God’s hands–it’s just part of the fallen world’s condition. Anyway, I don’t mean to preach–but I’d like to suggest that I believe you might benefit from Pastor Joseph Prince’s messages via TV or his books. I honestly think he’d cheer you right up, as he did me! 🙂 His books are easy reads, chock full of encouragement–and he speaks a lot on the specific things we’re discussing: goodness of God, and illness. Another person I recommend is Lisa Harper–she’s very authentic and a barrel of laughs, as she discusses the struggles we all deal with, and where God fits into them (she’s also a well-educated/well respected Bible scholar). Her book, The Sacrament of Happy presents God as Happy, loving, eager to bless–not angry, punishing, rejecting. That’s probably more than enough…and maybe I should have emailed this. If you need to edit or delete, that’s fine 🙂 ❤

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    1. Your enthusiasm is so contagious. Thanks for the offerings. I have been discouraged by failing health lately, and this fevered mind pulls me down dark corridors. I will find myself and my relationship to the Divine, I have no doubt.

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      1. I certainly don’t mean to be pushy–I just wanted to recommend 2 people who are educated, joyful and delightful, who I believe would lift you from the dark places–as was my experience in hearing/reading them. I won’t say any more about it, since I never want to offend. Much love to you ❤

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