Patterns and Progress

current events, opinion, Thoughts, , , 28 Comments

I chose not to drink having grown up in a family of alcoholics. I wanted my children to have the experience of a parent who was present and predictable. It was an ideal, and certainly not perfect.

My children, a generation removed from the trauma, choose to socialize with a drink. I’ve never seen any of them get out of control or become inappropriate due to overconsumption, still, I find myself worrying about the children. What is their experience?

Lots of people drink responsibly, I remind myself. I remember reading once that alcoholism skips a generation. Why? Patterns repeat until we learn a new rhythym.

In retrospect, I likely never shared my family history with my children. Not the dark parts, anyway. I wanted to spare them the hurt. Well intentioned, but hugely naive. History trails our every movement.

Understanding where we come from, and having the opportunity to decipher the implications is the only hope we have for progress going forward. There is a movement in current society, to bury the past, or rewrite it in a way that negates the lesson. Some want to go back to earlier times. It is all so delusional. Bad enough we repeat patterns of the past, but to intentionally ignore or acknowledge the pain imposed on others is to invite more of the same.

Patterns repeat. It is the responsibility of each new generation to do better. As imperfect as the effort might be, without it, there is no progress.

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Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

28 thoughts on “Patterns and Progress”

  2. The only way to be delivered from pasts injustices and pain is to acknowledge them so that healing can take place and end the cycle. As one pastor has said “What’s not healed is handed down.” Thanks for being authentic and transparent.

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  3. Patterns and Progress is a perfect title, VJ. I feel parents should set a good example for their children and not imbibe to excess. Children are a lot smarter than we think they are and easily pick up habits and routines from parents, relatives and friends. It’s best to inform them early on the consequences of unhealthy habits.

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    1. Yes. I have always been conscious of the fact that what I model has far more effect than what I say. Some things just don’t translate well unless we experience them first hand, I guess.

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  4. You did your best. My grandmother allowed no alcohol in her house because of her father’s drinking. My mother told me that, but I’m not sure my grandmother ever would have. But I don’t know if words are as effective as direct experience. For instance, neither my brothers nor I ever smoked cigarettes because my father spent his entire adulthood trying to quit (and ended up dying of lung cancer). But drinking was not something we really thought about, despite knowing the family history. (K)

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    1. It’s complicated, isn’t it? I also chose not to smoke because of the older generation and yet two of my children smoked. They don’t smoke now, thank goodness. I think we are also fighting images in the media that equate drinking with fun.

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  5. While he was alive, I did not know some of the pain of my father’s years as a teen and young adult. I think he chose to not talk about it because he was making a new start in life, and he wanted to give his young family a better life. But, I wish he had shared it with me directly somewhere along the line. I already admired him as a person, but even more so when I heard some of the stories after he passed away. He had great strength and determination. Also, I think I would have had more appreciation back then for my family life if I had known.

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    1. This rings true for me too, Susan. My father shared so little of his life. It’s only in retrospect that I have pieced together the man behind the violence.

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  7. I love the title for this post. Patterns and progress – so powerful. I think even just looking for patterns build awareness and progress. And speaking of p’s – present and predictable parent. So good!

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