Intimacy without Boundaries

The thing about my mother and I is that the intimacy has not always been healthy. The roles have mostly been reversed from the first meltdown that I witnessed at age five to the second when I was just twelve and then again when I was fifteen. I don’t know where Mom went in those catatonic episodes but I do remember stepping into shoes that were way too big for me and accepting responsibility. I would protect and save my mother at all cost.

We have been psychologically and psychically linked for as long as I can remember. If she feels pain; I feel pain. Sometimes I don’t know where she ends and I begin.

Not healthy.

This week I have challenged us to think about intimacy in all its different manifestations. At 62, I feel as if I am finally starting to figure some of it out, particularly how I protect myself from becoming too intimate.

And now, perhaps why.

Mom has had a second heart attack. The attempted intervention – a stent – only brought on another heart attack, so had to be aborted. The hospital is looking into medications to ease her suffering.

“Talk to her about palliative care,” my sister suggested.

So I talked to her. Yesterday she was in agreement, asked me to pray for her passing. Today, after a good night’s sleep, she’s not so sure. Meanwhile, why can’t I come see her. Oh yes, COVID.

It’s hard to let your walls down and allow someone else in, especially if those walls are the only boundaries in place.

More to mull over.

For now, thank you blessed WP community for all your words of wisdom and creative genius.

Unrecognizable, radhikasreflection
Just you n me…, Heart to Heart
A Craving, I Write Her
Facets of Intimacy, purpleinportland
Tickets to the Show, MMA Storytime
This old hotel, Eugi’s Causerie II
Intimacy, Sgeoil
Hung By Threads, parallax
Intimate Moment with Photography, Stuff and what if…

See you tomorrow for a new challenge!

Posted by

Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

30 thoughts on “Intimacy without Boundaries

  1. I agree with Heather that the end of days is the ultimate intimacy that we all will or have gone through. I was not able to say good-bye to my mother which still weighs on me when I think of her. My heart reaches to you in this difficult time. Hope that you have someone close to share your feelings and spiritual journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. wow VJ, I am so very sorry that you mom and you are both dealing with such heavy issues……..it is do difficult how many years we spend trying to figure it all out just to be hit harder as we get closer! Sending you both love and gentle hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Like another reader I wanted to contribute but couldn’t. My journey has been similar yet very different. My mother passed nine years ago but so many unresolved issues surface from time to time. With you in thought VJ during this challenging time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I wanted to write for this challenge, but delving into the story – which is so very similar to yours – seemed overwhelming. My mother has passed, but our history remains of course. The unhealthy intimacy that eliminated the boundaries. The role reversal from a very young age. Childhood shapes us and how we view intimacy – in all its layers. The understanding takes years.
    I wish you well – along with strength – with your mother in the coming days. Letting the walls down, as you say, if they are the only boundaries in place – is a tough place to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wonderful story. Makes me think deep thoughts.

    I’m actually sitting in my mom’s house, the only person I see outside my own household and have since my dad’s passing in May. We are in a bubble. I know how fortunate we are, so many families have their intimacies interrupted by covid.

    Liked by 2 people

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