Fear and intimidation formed the basis of his power. To this day I tremble, afraid I’ve misstepped – parked the car wrong, forgot to close the door properly, or spoken out of turn. My father was a hand grenade with the pin perpetually pulled.
He was also motivational, citing the works of Carnegie, Peale, Gibran, and even Rumi. His brilliance was a light for me to follow, although I never understand the paradox between this worldly man and the ticking time bomb.
He spoke of love with tears in his eyes, as if he recognized his own failing, as if love was something he didn’t deserve. In his final years, realizing the error of his ways, he cried often.
I didn’t know how to react. The man had broken me in so many ways – broken all around him. I could not just forgive and forget.
Love is paradoxical – its’ contours seldom defined by expectations.
Am I grateful that I had the father I did? Absolutely. I recognize that in his wake I am challenged, but also given the resources to overcome. Many times I wanted to walk away, and yet, I didn’t, sensing that there was more to be uncovered in this dance of love and hate.
Father has been gone for more than a decade. I still wrestle with the paradox.
( Reena’s Exploration this week is paradox. Images are from personal collection. Maple trees and snapdragons remind me of my father.)
One Woman's Quest II 
I can relate to this, V.J. My mother and I saved each other from my father until my mother gave up on living. I was married when she passed, which saved me from my father.
I didn’t realize you had this blog until now! 😀
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Thanks Eugenia. My mother and I did the same. Glad you found my second blog – a little different from the other.
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Yes, I love it! I like having 2 blogs and my 2nd blog allows me to be more creative.
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This is so touching. Many can relate, if not father, someone else nearone. So beautifully written. But kudis to you. You managed to learn from this .
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Thank you so much. I am thankful I did not walk away, and in the end, we were able to discuss (although not resolve) so much.
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It might have depressed you a lot then but Happy that ended nicely.
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My father broke me too, and even after decades of therapy, there are still some vestiges and times when my brain goes into self-sabotaging thoughts. This last week or so happens to be one of them. During these times I make some mistakes and my brain tries to convince me that I am a terrible person. Fortunately, this no longer happens often, but when it does, it can be a real doozy. Thank you for posting this, V.J. It always helps to know others struggle with this as well. You post was perfectly timed for me. <3.
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Glad it touched you Hannah, and that we know we are not alone. The impact that a parent can have on a child is so far-reaching. Take care.
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You too V.J. Thank you 🙏.
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I can relate to this. Thank you, VJ!
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Thanks Reena.
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A gift to have the maturity to process the love vs hate … to let yourself open to possible lessons yet ahead. I lost my dad too young … it’s been 5 decades + … but I continually gain insight to his negative/positive impact through reflections and associations. Like this post. Thank you.
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Thanks Jazz. You certainly had a whole different experience, and yet, the father issues remain. Life is ripe with many lessons.
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Really touching story and excellent example of paradox! ❤
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Thanks Reena.
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I admire your perseverance. An incredibly painful paradox.
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Thanks.
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Welcome.
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Reblogged this on Reena Saxena and commented:
Paradoxical …. by VJ Knutson
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