I first married at nineteen, two years after I left home, and many years before I’d developed into the woman I would later be. We separated before our second wedding anniversary.
Certain I was fatally flawed, I jumped at the next opportunity that came along – a relationship that would produce my three children and span seventeen years.
In the end, he confirmed what I secretly believed: I was not loveable.
I would prove that to myself again and again with poor choices, until finally, in my forties, I admitted I had a problem. My picker was broken. I was choosing mates based on the wrong assumption.
What, I asked myself, would a relationship look like if I was loveable? I decided that it needed to start with myself. So I started courting me. I bought myself flowers, just because I deserved them. I took myself out to eat and focused on what I liked. I visualized what it would feel like to be loved and I set five goals to achieve before I would re-enter relationship:
- To understand my needs
- To be able to identify my wants
- To establish healthy boundaries
- To believe myself worthy of love
- To be financially independent.
When I met Ric, I wasn’t ready. The fifth goal had not been reached. So, I told him: “I’m not ready for relationship right now. I am willing to hang out for a year, and then we can reassess.”
He agreed, and exactly one year later, picked me up from work and took me out to dinner, ordering a bottle of wine to celebrate.
“Celebrate what?”
“It’s been a year; we can talk about us!”
Six months later, he asked me to marry him. I made him wait another eighteen months.
The thing about Ric is that I know that he loves me. He would do anything for me. He values my wants and needs, and my boundaries. He listens to my fears. He is my best friend.
Third time has been a charm (he’d say for both of us). I am truly blessed.
One Woman's Quest II 
I loved your story V.J. and the list you wrote for yourself. I too spent many years in failed relationships, chasing my tail until I say down and wrote out exactly what I was looking for. Believe it or not I found him. It’s so sad we have to wait a lifetime to learn about ourselves and eventually find ‘the one’. I’m so happy for you both 🙂💕
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Better late than never, I guess, lol. Thanks Christine.
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Self love. Patience. Hard work. Friendship. Perseverance. What a sweet story of love in the making. Congratulations! Lovely photos too 🙂
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Thank you!
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You’re welcome!
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Wow, such words of wisdom hear V.J.! I’m so glad you were able to determine what you really wanted and needed in a life partner. From reading your blog over the last couple of years, I believe you both won in this relationship!
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Ah, thanks Terri! We are very blessed to have found one another.
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Having met Ric, I think he’s worth waiting for … and maybe that’s the criteria so often missed … if one feels desperate to latch on, probably best to wait a bit! (Gary and I waited 16 years … both wary veterans of relationships rushed.)
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Gary was also worth waiting for….good on us for hard-earned wisdom!
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I think you have something there about having to love and understand yourself first to a certain degree. Finding that one person who truly understands and is willing to ride the roller coaster of life with you is such a blessing.
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It sure is. Glad I didn’t give up on love. Thanks, Heather.
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A pleasure!
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