Vacancy

family, life, nonfiction, poetry, , , , 25 Comments

It’s been a year since my mother’s death and this past weekend we held a memorial. It coincided with Mother’s Day, which packed an extra punch.

The grief that follows loss is seldom simple. Yes, I miss my mom. Yes, I am relieved that she has found an end to her suffering.

There is also a vacancy in the place she has held for so many years, not just physically in the family structure, but also in my heart. It’s complicated. Mom was the centre of our family. She was the one who gathered all the gossip and spread it amongst all my siblings, our aunts, and uncles, and anyone else who wanted (or not) to know what was happening in our lives. She did it so well that there was no need for me to call my sister – I already knew everything about her life. Probably more than she herself would tell me.

I am not interested in fulfilling that role.

There is also the complication that implicit in mom’s management of familial affairs I was the responsible one. She relied on me to be the rock to keep everyone else in line. Setting clear boundaries with my mom has been the subject of therapy for many years.

In her absence, I am at a loss to define my place in the family. The vacancy left behind is cavernous. I pretend not to notice.

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Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

25 thoughts on “Vacancy”

  1. Families are complex. Every role is important no matter what position you are in. My father was 25 years older than my mom. After she passed, he became fragile and I had to take over. I was an only child so there was no one to help me. I learned and became stronger from the experience. You do what you can do and don’t feel guilty if you can’t please everyone. Take care of yourself and the rest will eventually come forth. Hugs!

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  2. Family dynamics are complicated. And any loss upsets the delicate balance–but to lose the center–it’s an impossible situation. So difficult for you, both emotionally, and in a practical sense. (K)

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  8. A difficult dilemma, VJ. My mother in law was that centre in the family and when she died, the information she shared stop flowing. Her eldest was a man and I doubt he ever thought of fulfilling that role. There is opportunity for change. Just know you are amazing as you are, and try to protect that.

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