Walls and Boundaries

family, life, nonfiction, psychology, Thoughts, , , 22 Comments

I wasn’t taught about boundaries as a child, in fact, I was encouraged not to have any. No one said so, specifically, but in the drive to please, I came to this interpretation. Walls, however, grew organically. I remember many a time, curled up on my childhood bed, raging and in tears, repeating over and over: ”I need nothing; I need no one.”

The term “boundaries” did not enter my vocabulary until well into adulthood, when two failed marriages forced me to take a cold, hard look at myself. There is a section in Dr Phil’s book “Relationship Rescue” where he talks about the “Black Hole” personality. This is the person who presents no needs or wants, ensuring that their partner can never meet them. I vomited when I read it. 

When you have no perceivable wants or needs, then boundaries serve no purpose. Walls clumsily fill the role.

It’s been years since therapy helped me move past these limitations, and I thought I was doing so well… until a daughter, in a flash of anger, recently told me that it’s impossible to talk to me when my walls are up.

Sigh.

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Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

22 thoughts on “Walls and Boundaries”

  2. Due to my unhappy childhood, I put up walls, mainly to ease the pain. Some of those walls still exist and I try to reason with myself it’s time to move on. Easier said than done.

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  7. Amazing how daughters (and perhaps sons – but I don’t have that as a reference point) can cut through and although the input can be painful and messy (speaking for myself) there’s usually a wave of clarity which follows. xo to you, VJ. 💕

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  8. Many interesting thoughts arise. I am also familiar with walls and as a social worker, understood they are sometimes necessary for survival and often difficult to dismantle. You have worked hard to change your ways, as have I, and I feel your frustration. My children are my greatest challenge when it comes to relationships because they are so important to me. Hearing what they say is the first step.

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