Just returned from the hospital, having left my husband in the Cardiac Surgery Recovery Unit.  He was not transferred to the unit until after 9:00 pm, so while I was able to see and touch him, he was not yet conscious.

It is hard to pinpoint the gamut of emotions that have coursed through me this day:  anxiety, tenderness, tears, hope, and sorrow.  It is so surreal to see my husband laid out in a bed, multiple tubes attached including a respirator, his normally ruddy complexion now casket white.  He looked calm and peaceful and all his vitals were stable, but I can’t shake the eerieness of it.

I squeezed his hand – cool to the touch and unresponsive – and brushed back a stray lock of hair from his also cool forehead, trying not to fall apart.

He has made it through the first hurdle, now the recovery can begin – another monumental climb no doubt.

I shall try to sleep now, and return to the hospital in the morning when he is awake.