I wasn’t taught about boundaries as a child, in fact, I was encouraged not to have any. No one said so, specifically, but in the drive to please, I came to this interpretation. Walls, however, grew organically. I remember many a time, curled up on my childhood bed, raging and in tears, repeating over and over: ”I need nothing; I need no one.”
The term “boundaries” did not enter my vocabulary until well into adulthood, when two failed marriages forced me to take a cold, hard look at myself. There is a section in Dr Phil’s book “Relationship Rescue” where he talks about the “Black Hole” personality. This is the person who presents no needs or wants, ensuring that their partner can never meet them. I vomited when I read it.
When you have no perceivable wants or needs, then boundaries serve no purpose. Walls clumsily fill the role.
It’s been years since therapy helped me move past these limitations, and I thought I was doing so well… until a daughter, in a flash of anger, recently told me that it’s impossible to talk to me when my walls are up.
Sigh.
One Woman's Quest II 
I have t see the connection between my internal thoughts and external walls in my environment. . It’s how I perceive those dividing forces that really matters.
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Self awareness is key.
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Yoga helps in this regard.
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For sure. Conscious breathing is an excellent tool
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Due to my unhappy childhood, I put up walls, mainly to ease the pain. Some of those walls still exist and I try to reason with myself it’s time to move on. Easier said than done.
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Yes. Much harder to do than say. Family still pushes buttons.
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I had boundaries put on me when I was a kid; they made me feel safe. The walls went up when I became an adult.
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That’s interesting. Maybe walls are a natural progression?
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Maybe so.
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💕🤗
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😊🙏
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I recognize that tendency in myself, although I never had a name for it. It explains many things about my problems in relationships. Those defenses are hard to throw away. (K)
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Especially with family, it seems. Thanks K
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In anger, we often hurt the people we love most.
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Truth!
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It’s the sad truth.
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Amazing how daughters (and perhaps sons – but I don’t have that as a reference point) can cut through and although the input can be painful and messy (speaking for myself) there’s usually a wave of clarity which follows. xo to you, VJ. 💕
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You make a good point, Victoria,
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❤️❤️❤️
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Still waiting on that wave, lol. Sons, in my experience, don’t engage in the drama. thanks Victoria
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Many interesting thoughts arise. I am also familiar with walls and as a social worker, understood they are sometimes necessary for survival and often difficult to dismantle. You have worked hard to change your ways, as have I, and I feel your frustration. My children are my greatest challenge when it comes to relationships because they are so important to me. Hearing what they say is the first step.
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Thank you for your words of encouragement, Sarah. Nice to know that I am not the only one who struggles with the parent/child relationship.
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