I was raised to be a fixer. Right up there with people pleaser, it’s a hard practice to shake.
Recently, I’ve been struggling with my husband’s new habit of staying up late. I worry about whether or not he’s getting enough sleep, and concerned that he’ll hurt his neck if he falls asleep sitting up. I talk to him about it and nothing changes. It’s affecting my sleep and I’m starting to get angry.
I bring the issue to my therapist, who reminds me that my husband is an adult and has the right to his own choices. He also has the right to his own consequences. However, I might want to look at what this change is triggering in me.
Damn, she’s right.
One Woman's Quest II 
It’s very hard to break free of the “fixer” and people-pleaser” roles.
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Yes it is. Definitely takes a conscious effort.
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“People pleaser” is a hard one to break, when it is not only intrinsic in us, but we also grow up in a culture that reinforces the behavior. (“I’m sorry, eh?” You know I know, VJ…) And fixer and please go naturally hand-in-hand. I’ve had to do a lot of self-monitoring on this (these) as my soul grows, but it is oh-so freeing when we get it! 🙂
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It’s definitely ingrained. Self-monitoring is the key. Thanks
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I try not to be a people pleaser, but easier said than done. Years of being a certain way is hard to undo. Sometimes my hubby takes in my suggestions, and sometimes not. I don’t push it and find it works out better for both of us.
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It is the best scenario, Eugi.
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Indeed, VJ.
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Good advice. Sleep habits are very idiosyncratic
No one ever listens to me so I dropped the fixer habit early. The people pleasing one will never go away. (K)
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So true, K. Darn!
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That’s something that I’ve had to learn, too, thanks to a therapist. I can’t fix hubby, only my attitude.
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Let’s call it mature love, lol.
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A lesson for me 😊
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I think we are all learning this one.
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Oh, I’m right there with you as a fixer and people pleaser. Dang, your therapist is right. Hard not to jump in though!
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Yep. Bite my lip a lot.
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Terrific insight – right there. But that doesn’t make it easy. xo, VJ! 💕
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Not easy at all! Thanks Victoria
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💕💕💕
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Even if we think we know what’s best for someone else, we don’t really have the right to tell them how to live their lives. Whenever I find myself in a similar situation, I have to admit to myself that it’s an attempt, however subconscious, to control someone else’s life and decisions. I don’t appreciate when someone tries to do that to me, so I need to learn to take a step back–and take a deep breath. 😊
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You are so right, and sometimes it is difficult. Thanks.
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First off, I love the art!
The therapist makes a good point but the direction is hard to follow. Partly because the choices of someone we live with also affects us. So I tend to do both – offer unsolicited advice and keep quiet about my concerns. Sometimes my husband ends up doing what I suggest later. Relationships, like aging – “not for sissies”.
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“not for sissies” is right, Sarah. Thanks for that – made me laugh.
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