Call the Home

aging, family, life, nonfiction, , , 38 Comments

“What do you have planned for when you’re older and less able, Mom? It would be good to have a plan documented…”

This from a family group chat when I mentioned that my 95 year-old aunt had fallen and broken both legs. Although I’m 66, the addition of a disabling disease makes this question more imminent.

We’ve been talking about Nursing Homes with the neighbours, as we live in a senior’s community. Ric and I have had our own private conversations as well, but the tone of my daughter’s message left me feeling a bit cold.

The thing is, I’m not sure I want to go into a Home. I definitely know Ric doesn’t. We’ve got our hobby rooms set up here, nature outside of every window, and room to breathe. None of those can go to a Home with us.

And would we stay in the small town we now live in or leave our friends and familiarity to be closer to the children?

I had an assessment a few weeks back, and they have upped my home care assistance to twice a week now and we hire help two extra days. Is this not enough to keep us in place, and how much can we afford going forward?

I don’t think my daughter realizes how emotional this topic is for us. I know she’s trying to be pragmatic, but life isn’t always that simple is it?

Transitioning to a Nursing Home is the convention in our family. I’ve watched other families try to cope with aging parents who need lots of care and I wouldn’t want to put that burden on our children. At the same time, I’d like the dignity of coming to that conclusion on my own.

Any advice? How is aging handled where you are?

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Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

38 thoughts on “Call the Home”

  1. I agree with you about dignity, VJ. It would be nice if your daughter would just say, “How can I help you, Mom?”, and open herself to hearing how you feel about it. Pushing you towards what she views as the inevitable family trend shows she just wants the peace of mind for her future, not your peace of mind. (I think, but maybe I’m reading it wrong.)

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  4. Since we don’t have children and have decent funds saved, I expect we’ll do okay. My father is still doing well and living in his own home at almost 89. My mother had dementia, but she planned ahead and moved into a continuous care facility at age 70 and died at 87. I really hope to live independently the rest of my life. Barring that, I may find a place like where my mom wound up.

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    1. Thanks Wynne. My aunt will likely not be able to return home – too many stairs and no help. Very hard on my uncle. I certainly wouldn’t want to end up in their situation. My mother tried to coax them to consider LTC, but they were stubborn.

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      1. Oh, that’s hard. It seems like there is a sweet spot for moving into a new community. My mom moved into a senior living apartment at 76 and she was young but has been able to take advantage of the many activities they do. But it’s a hard decision! I hope your aunt and uncle find a way through!

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  6. Hello! I’m sorta reconnecting to blog world – your question here is on my backburner – still in denial state – but the immediacy of shifting lifestyles could come any day! Reading your description of your NOW I know I’d have trouble voluntarily leaving the freedoms. Hugs to both of you.

    Jazz … now jazzkendrick@icloud.com

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    1. Jazz! You’ve been on my mind. So good to hear from you. Things can change at any moment – time to consider it, I suppose.

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  7. After my ad died, and my mother was treated for breast cancer, she made the decision to move close to me and go into a continuing care community. As it turned out, it was absolutely the right decision. She was a very pragmatic woman. Each step of the way she discussed in detail with my brother and me.

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  8. There is no good answer to this. My parents chose to buy an apartment that had a managed care facility attached to it. My father died of cancer, but my mother could not manage on her own with Alzheimer’s after his death so she ended up in managed care. It was not horrible but definitely not what I would want. My children and I have discussed it, since they experienced years of visiting my mother. They know it’s not what I want. But I also know it’s not fair to ask your children to be full-time caregivers if that’s not what they want to do. As a friend of mine said–“Put me in my wheelchair and push me off a cliff”. I totally understand people choosing assisted suicide, not that I’m sure I could actually do it. My grandfather managed to stay in his apartment until the end but he had full time live in care and was in decent health. And it was years ago. How many people can afford that now?

    Good luck. I don’t think the question was meant in a bad way. I think it’s important to think about and to let your children know your preferences and discuss some ways it might be accomplished. (K)

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    1. I want to opt for the wheelchair route, lol. Actually my plan is to use MAiD when the time comes, but I haven’t addressed that with my children yet. There are so many unknowns.

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  9. I think the emotionality of these conversations is often minimized and understated. Even though family members might have excellent intentions, the pace matters. Time to talk and really listen seems essential but I see it so often sidelined for expediency and decision-making. Sending much love your way, VJ. 💕

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  10. It’s an emotional proposition, for sure. We’ve been trying to make decisions about the best way to support our parents as they age as we also make plans for our own care as we age. Thankfully, we have several Life Plan Communities in our area and already plan to move into one when we’re no longer able to handle living in our home. Like you said, if we need to make that transition, it’s much more dignified (and less traumatic) if we can come to that conclusion on our own.

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    1. I agree Terri. We live in a senior’s complex now, so the homes are built to accommodate the aging population. I think we need to do more research

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  11. Hi – I can see why this is a delicate topic and one that everyone handles different.
    I am not sure about the option of a nursing home, but I do know that some are better than others and my father-n-law was in six (maybe seven) different kinds of retirement homes and they all had their own apartment and then the level of nursing care varied. It was also uber expensive but that was what he chose and it was what he wanted.
    My neighbor, Barb, carries around her will and testament in her purse and she can talk about all of this with ease. She is a former nurse and is now in her 80s.
    —
    Anyhow, I would try not to let any cold feelings settle in because it is just the nature of the topic and the questions come from a caring heart and from wanting to know what your wishes are.
    For example, when I told my brother my mum wanted to be cremated he was offended and in disbelief. I then got her in audio recording sharing that was her wishes and it all settled down – but the discomfort comes because these aging talks can be so tough! The love we feel for our family adds to how we handle it – and so if it comes across cold or stoic, that might be the only way to talk about such a topic. ya know?
    —
    and I am with you that I would try and stay put as long as possible – but if (and that is a big IF) it does come to a nursing home – try not be so limiting on what will be there and what will not – because soime are quite wonderful

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  12. I understand your point of view. My parents are in their 70s and neither of them will ever go into a nursing home if they have any say in it. Then again, they don’t have many friends and they have only two children. Out of their children, I am multiply-disabled and live in a care home myself. Regarding this, I was more or less abandoned by my parents when I was 19 under the guise of encouraging self-reliance, so I am lucky that I was eventually able to get into long-term care. I must say I still have lots of hobby supplies here even though I have only one room to myself and thankfully my care home is part of a large institution which is set on an estate. I do get it though, if you’ve been independent your entire life, it’s hard to adjust to losing that.

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  13. There are few, if any old / nursing home in my city. It’s the family who steps in, a son and his wife or a daughter. We still are living independently and I hope we can till the end.

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  14. We’ve fixed up thet first floor back room, and that bathroom for an eventual necessary move from the upstairs bedrooms. We are lucky to have two live in adult children at this point. But there is no doubt I do not look forward to the sorts of options that a nursing home offer. I am too familiar with the failings of the care options available.

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  15. I get comments about how I should save more money so the burden of future care doesn’t fall so heavily on my daughter. Being out of the work force and having little savings, it seems rather “too little, too late” at this point. I have no expectation of my family supporting me, so I don’t have much choice about where I end up. I focus on enjoying what I have now, a yard to putter in, hobbies (currently woodworking), walks in nature with my pup… It’s all good.

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