If I Knew; I’d Change It

I’m struggling with myself. It isn’t the first time, and I’m certain it won’t be the last.

There is no definable reason, and yet my emotional self tries to find blame: it’s Ric’s behaviour; it’s because I’m homesick; it’s my illness.

Rationally, I recognize that my life is full of blessings right now, and this is how depression works. It is a back and forth tug-of-rope between the logical and illogical.

I try to counter every negative thought with a positive one. When my dark self complains that I am trapped and have lost my independence, the lighter side reminds me that I have choices. When the shadows plant seeds of resentment; I fight them with affirmations of gratitude.

Today, I just wanted to stay in bed – let sleep numb the angst, but then Ric suggested a drive and I pulled myself out of it.

When I’m feeling this way, it’s one moment at a time. I distract, remind myself to keep breathing, try to eat healthy.

I feel like I’m biding my time – just waiting for this funk to lift.

Why does this happen? I read once that are hundreds of reasons for depression. Almost all of them applied at the time. Can’t remember any of them right now. Does it even matter?

This too shall pass, I am sure. For now, it’s just one of those unanswerable aspects of life.

(My weekly challenge is unanswerable. When I set the challenge, I had no idea where it would lead. I guess it’s inviting me look at my shadow.)

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Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

9 thoughts on “If I Knew; I’d Change It

  1. Many of us have to struggle with ugly shadows. We have our unique ways to see the light.
    Good wishes VJ.
    Have you thought about painting? I think you draw and paint sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Depression is a really tough black hole. Answers, if any, are hard to pinpoint. It takes so much strength to survive it. Powerful post – and thank you for sharing your struggle – you’re certainly not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your post reflects the shifting levels of “up” and “down” mood juices many of us experience. Maybe some are immune? Somewhere along the line I began to embrace my downers as needed naps, a forced slowing of pace outward so that I could focus inward. Easier to accommodate now that I’m retired!
    Your image is beautiful, and tugs at my inclinations to shove aside the tax forms I plan to fill out today … much rather sit and stare into the blues, observing, pondering, mellowing … I’m envious of that bird! [A good image to initiate meditation – did you take this on the coast?]

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The image is of a crow from home. There is something about a bird, perched high, gazing into the sky (here coming night) that inspires me. Ugh to tax forms, although I think you are more equipped to deal with them. It is a good time to ponder, and take lots of naps. Thanks Jazz.

      Liked by 1 person

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